Fuck me.
I know I’m in a fucked up situation that isn’t good for me, I’m clearly aware of it. But can’t do anything about it.
Be there for a friend at my own mental health’s expense. Fuck why am I still here doing this.
At what point do I acknowledge it’s no food for me and move on. Do I literally need a third party to tell me. Fuck I’ve already heard it’s so.
I need a second opinion? Do I need to be super miserable to justify depriving her of my friendship. At what point is the point where something needs to change?
Fuck my life.
I know better but I am too pushy to do anything about it. Fuckkkkk
Can’t she just see it and walk away from me for my own good. Why do I have to be the one.
Do I have to sabotage it so she walks on her own.
Fuck I’m such a coward.
I’ve only loved once, and I was too coward to express it.
I walked around as if I was naked, like everyone could see it as clear as day and for some reason I felt exposed.
I didn’t want to draw attention to it. Voice it, or express it because I felt shame for it.
I’ve blamed it on “knowing” it wasn’t really reciprocated, so therefore why express what won’t be received or reciprocated.
Now many years later and this love is still in my heart. But now it haunts me.
It’s trapped inside of me and refuses to ever leave my side. It’s my dark shadow.
No matter how far I try to run away from it, it can’t ever get rid of it.
I fucking hate it.
I want nothing more then to get rid of these feelings. I just want to be free.
I just want to be happy alone without my dark shadow. Is that too much to ask for?
